Yelling!!! Ugh...

Dear Elijah,
I yelled at you for the very first time Ever the other day, and let me tell you... It was so lame! I was overwhelmed, and super stressed out about something that was going on other than what you were doing, and so when you were just being a normal baby boy, I snapped and yelled at you. I could not shake the terrible feeling it gave me for the rest of the day. That night your dad put on a movie and we were lying in bed, and I paused the movie and said, "babe, I seriously feel so sad about yelling at Eli today," then I burst into tears! Your daddy was so sweet, rubbed my head and told me what a great mommy I am. It was just so hard to realize that I hurt your feelings by yelling at you, when you had never experienced mommy doing that before. I know it jolted you, and that's never what I want to do! I could not get the feeling to go away, so we prayed together and talked it out until I felt sure that mommies make mistakes, and I need to take a mental note and move on. It was hard for both you and I, and I know now ESPECIALLY, that I do not ever wish to yell at you, even when I am frustrated, it creates even more stress for the both of us! I always said from the beginning that I plan on never raising my voice to my kids, but yes, as mommies we mess up sometimes and go directly against what we believe is right. I know I can't say it will NEVER happen again, but I do know the consequences are harsh. But yes, I am human, and I will mess up time and time again, but I have the ability to learn from my mistakes as well, and also, most importantly, I have God to help me along the way. I need His grace so much! Man though!!!!!!!!!! Worst night ever! I believe it was a mix of me being super emotional being pregnant with your sister and all, but those feelings were real nevertheless. There are so many opinions, blogs, articles, and teachings on what parenting is the best parenting, and these days we over think parenting sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much that at times it becomes ridiculous! I've seen so many parenting styles and have seen many parents who used different techniques, successfully raise wonderful children :) So I have learned in this short amount of time to research, try things, do what works for me and my baby specifically, and go with my inner (gut) feeling. If it brings me and my household peace, it must be right for us! I have to tell you, I gather from all kinds of information, and my favorite thing to do it think it out, try it out, and then see what works for us. :) It gives me a sense of peace knowing that I am actively responding to you in different ways to figure out what works the best for us. So Eli, when you are older, you can tell me what you didn't agree with and will not be using with your own children ;) haha Yelling makes us all feel bad, therefore, I'm going to try my hardest to keep that away... Now when you are older and reading this letter, please don't show it to me with a tally at the bottom of how many times I have yelled at you!!! hahahahaha! At least you know that I care about your feelings, and would feel bad after ;) haha... I love you so much Elijah! You are such a sunshine, sweet pea, baby face, cute head! I love your kisses, your hugs, your snuggles, and your love.
By the way, you LOVE trash cans. It's so funny! Every time we go for a walk, I have to let you walk up to every trash can along the way. You point to it with a HUGE smile, and say in a very sweet high pitch voice, "trash can!" It's so cute, and whenever you spot one anywhere, you get so excited and say trash can loudly. We brought you to see the seals the other day, and you liked them enough, but then you spotted a trash can there, and your excitement escalated 10 times! Hahahaha...