It's pretty early in the morning, and your daddy has been gone for a while now. Once he left I couldn't sleep, so I googled Dr. James Dobson because when I was a little girl, his voice used to ease my mind, and mellow me out. His voice in the morning was what I was used to waking up to. My mom (Your grandma Darcie) used to put him on EVERY morning, and that is what we would hear while getting ready for school in the morning. Honestly, I had no intention of listing to his sermon, I just wanted his voice on in my room to help me go back to sleep. Well, God had such different plans for me this morning. It's hard for me to be open with the things that go on in my heart, and mind. I like to stick to surface subjects most the time, and don't like to REALLY open up. But to you Eli, I will tell you what's in my heart. Your mommy has always had a very deep seeded passion for Jesus. It's because when I was a baby, to a little girl, to a teenager, to a woman, God has been my one constant and provider. He always brings me to my knees when I become forgetful, proud, hurt, or whatever it is that tries to tear me from His grip. Lately it's been fear. Fear has been creating a barrier between me and God without me really even noticing. I've been maintaining a very surface relationship with Him lately. I haven't meant to do this, and was not even aware of how bad it was getting. I've been asking your daddy to pray for me, and to pray for everything really. Kind of like I'm not worthy to pray myself. I still pray, but not in an open, naked before God way. This morning when I was just trying to fall asleep to a sermon, I couldn't help but listen to the words. I felt a huge revelation coming on, and at first wanted no part of it. It's always uncomfortable to change. Especially when you have no excuses anymore, and God is speaking directly to you. I was actually going to turn it off, but I couldn't. I just started crying. It felt like God striped me down and exposed my inner fears. I started confessing like a little girl who had just been exposed, or caught in her sin. I was crying and telling God EVERYTHING. The very reasons I should be drawing closer to God, were the reasons I had for pushing away. I have fears that God will take everything from me. Things were going so good in my life that I felt guilty and undeserving. I love my husband so much, and I love the growing baby in my stomach so much. I have this wonderful life with my best friend, and every time my husband and I shared indescribable moments together, I would start to fear right after! Directly after feeling overwhelmed with joy, I felt fear that this would all be taken from me if I didn't protect it or appreciate it enough. These fears were becoming so big, and even bigger than God to me. I was afraid to say some of them out loud or voice them to God because then they would be real, and not things I can keep pushing down. I also feared that God would use the people I love, including you Eli, to teach me hard lessons. I am a stubborn person, this I know, which is why I have these fears that God is going to break me using someone I love, taking them away. I'm always afraid that it will always take the hard way to teach me something. But then as I was pouring my soul out to God, I felt like this HUGE, huge, huge burden was lifted. I wasn't alone anymore in carrying these burdens and fears. Just by telling God the truth, He was able to teach me a lesson through my brokenness. I was broken all along, and all He wanted was for me to admit it so that I wouldn't have to carry it alone. Things don't just happen overnight, or in one cry session with God, but now at least I am able to freely talk to God about what has been eating me alive! I know God promises to always be with us. He will be with you Elijah, because He loves you more than I can. He created you. He will be with your daddy because he loves your daddy more than I can, and He created your daddy. He loves me more than you and your daddy can love me, and those are comforting thoughts. Even if bad things happen, and if I lose things in my life, knowing that God has a purpose, a plan, and a love for me that goes beyond this earth, is comforting. I still have so much to learn. Your daddy still has so much to learn. We are babies in a way, just like you Elijah. I know there are always places to grow. My prayer right now would be that God would be and remain my first priority, my first love, and my strongest passion. Also, that God would be that to you, and your daddy. That in this family we would glorify God, and never think what He needs us to do is impossible. I've seen God do to many things to doubt his capabilities. I will always care deeply about what happens to the people I love, my family and friends, but I also know that I need to give my fears to God and never let them create such a strong wall between Him and I. We will continue to pray for you Elijah, trusting that God will hear our prayers, and make you into the man HE has created you to be. Love you.
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